Until I Knew Myself
UNTIL I KNEW MYSELF
ALSO BY TAMMY L. GRAY
My Hope Next Door
My Unexpected Hope
Mercy’s Fight
Sell Out
Winsor Series
Shattered Rose
Shackled Lily
Splintered Oak
UNTIL I KNEW MYSELF
TAMMY L. GRAY
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, organizations, places, events, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
Text copyright © 2017 by Tammy L. Gray
Kindle Edition
All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™
No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.
Published by Tammy L. Gray, Ennis, TX, in Association with the agency of Kirkland Media Management, LLC. of P.O. Box 1539, Liberty, Texas 77575
www.tammylgray.com
Cover design by Sarah Hansen
Printed in the United States of America
For Connilyn and Nicole
This book would not exist without the two of you.
Thank you for encouraging me, pushing me and never allowing me to give up.
… And for reading ten thousand versions of this story.
I can so easily write about friendship because I’ve been blessed with the two of the best.
Table of Contents
Half-Title
Also by Tammy L. Gray
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Epigraph
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Acknowledgments
About the Author
“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”
– John 14:18 NIV
Prologue
Even after his mom passed away, Tyler refused to call himself an orphan. The word implied no family. No identity. And he’d had a father out there somewhere. A man who’d given him his light brown eyes, boring brown hair and all year tan. The same man who’d left when he was only three, but still existed in the recesses of his mind.
Music floated from the outdoor patio in front of him, Mulligan’s Pub already full of Saturday night patrons.
He knew his friends were in there celebrating. And normally, he’d be right in the center of their fun, but his heart wasn’t in it tonight. So instead he leaned on the trunk of his car, stared at the entrance and willed the panic in his chest to cease.
His hand slid to his back pocket, checking to make sure the crumpled paper he’d found was still there. A part of him wished it wasn’t. Wished the discovery he’d made was all a bad dream.
His phone buzzed the same time Journey slipped through the exit. She didn’t see him right away, giving him a minute to admire the woman he’d loved since high school.
Long wavy blond hair flowing over her shoulders, sapphire blue eyes and a touch that could melt away his sadness even on the roughest of days. Tonight she wore a short skirt, cowboy boots and sleeveless top that made her as sexy as she was sweet.
“Over here,” he said loud enough so she could hear.
Startled, she pulled the phone from her ear and searched for him in the lit parking lot until they made eye contact. “Hey.” Her shoulders fell in relief and she walked over. “I was worried about you.”
He grabbed her waist and settled her between his spread legs. “I’m good.” Even the scent of her lessened his anguish. Gently cupping her face, he kissed her sweet mouth, letting his lips linger a bit longer than he should in such a public setting. Journey had shown him what it meant to be soft, to let one’s guard down and be vulnerable with another person. “Much better now that you’re here.”
Her lashes fluttered open but she didn’t smile. Instead, she backed up a little, searching his expression. “You’re upset.”
They’d been a couple for nearly seven years now and she could read him quicker than anyone.
He took her hand and ran his thumb over her short nails, feeling the flakes of paint she never seemed to get off. She must have been in her studio earlier, likely creating a masterpiece of color and emotion. “I don’t want to spoil your night.”
A worry line formed between her eyes. “My night is already spoiled if something’s bothering you.” She meant it, too. It was all part of how Journey operated. She was forever open, exposed, willing to pour out her heart. Until her, he’d never known such compassion existed.
His mom had loved him the best she knew how to, but she was a hard woman. The strongest person he’d ever known.
“This world will knock you around,” she’d told him. “You have to learn never to depend on others. Never let your guard down. It’s your shield.”
She’d been in the foster system since she was five, taken by the state because her parents couldn’t pull their life together enough to raise her. She’d only allowed herself to fall in love once, with Tyler’s dad. The love affair had ended only four years after it started, just long enough to give Tyler his last name.
He eased the paper from his back pocket and held out the death certificate.
Her eyes studied the page. “Who is this?”
“My father.”
“But I thought…”
He could hardly take the heartbreak in her voice. “I found it this morning when I was going through mom’s old files,” he said. “I needed some paperwork for Human Resources, and out of nowhere, there it was.” Proof he’d had a father—Ian Mitchell, dead at age 29 from a drug overdose. “I would have been nine when it happened, Journey. Nine. And mom never told me.”
Her hand touched the hair above his ear, smoothing the strands and soothing his trembling body. “I’m so sorry, Ty.”
“Did you see the next of kin blocks?”
She nodded sadly. They were marked UNKNOWN. The trail was cold. Tyler was simply a statistic now.
“It’s stupid, I know, to grieve for a man I hardly remember, but it’s like losing my mom all over again.” He hung his head and swallowed. “I feel completely lost.” And alone, though he didn’t say that part.
She cupped his head, brought it up
until they were eye to eye. “You’re not lost. You have an amazing life. Friends who love you. I love you.”
“I know you do.” He blew out a breath and folded the paper back up. “And you’re right. He was never around. There’s no need to give it so much thought.” This was just one more hit. Tyler would bounce back. Survive. He always did. “I just wish my mom hadn’t kept it a secret. I had questions and now they’ll never be answered.” His mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer when he was fourteen and lost the battle two years later.
“Maybe she thought it was for the best. Maybe there’s a reason she didn’t want you to know your dad’s history.” The passion in Journey’s voice startled him. “I mean, look what good came of it. You’re a Kinder now.”
“No, I’m not,” he said with an uncharacteristic flash of anger. It made no sense that he would feel resentful of Mr. Kinder’s gift, yet tonight, it exasperated the truth that he had no real identity. He forced his voice to calm. “Beck’s parents may have taken me in, but it was only because he asked them to. I’m not their son.”
“I don’t think they see it that way,” she pressed. “Harold offered his name to you.”
“It’s not the same. For twenty-five years, I’ve worn the name of a man who abandoned me. A name means nothing.” Again, he heard the harshness in his voice and winced.
Journey stared down at her fingers. She wasn’t used to him being short with her. They didn’t argue, didn’t fight. He worshiped her, felt grateful for every second she gave him.
It was the core of the problem. He’d grown soft and vulnerable when his mom had raised him to be scrappy, self sufficient, and unattached. Maybe she’d been right all along. Look at him now; he was ready to fall apart over a stupid piece of paper.
“Sorry. I don’t mean to snap at you. I’m just in a mood.” He took Journey’s hand and kissed the inside of her wrist. “Let’s go inside. Before our friends think I bailed on them.”
She smiled. “Okay.”
Hand in hand, they trekked up the two front steps and pushed through the heavy wood door. The dim hue inside the Pub was easy to adjust to and Tyler spotted their friends at the corner table, huddled in the type of easy conversation that came from knowing each other most of their lives. Beck, April, and Sean had grown up together, literally sharing cribs when they were infants. Journey had joined the group in elementary school and Tyler when he transferred schools in eighth grade.
Back then, he’d been an angry, bitter teen, furious his mom had forced him to move once again. And worse, to a suburban Texas town outside of Austin where the median household net worth easily topped a million dollars.
He’d gotten in some fights at his old school and came home with less than stellar grades. A month later, she’d taken a job as a full-time housekeeper and packed their hatchback to the ceiling. She’d negotiated living rent-free in her employer’s garage apartment, and in turn, Tyler got to attend one of the best school districts in the state.
His mom had sacrificed to give him all she could…except the truth.
Every single muscle in his back tensed as he thought of the paper again. It was wrong to be mad at her, especially when she wasn’t there to defend her actions.
As if sensing his tension, Journey squeezed his hand tighter and pulled him forward. They crossed through the crowd, passed the octagon bar that ran the length of the room. The Rangers game played on the wall mounted flat screen and he paused briefly to check the score before continuing to their table.
“Look who I found wandering outside,” Journey said with lighthearted easiness and sat down. She knew Tyler wouldn’t want the rest of the group sensing his distress. One of the many reasons he loved her so much.
“Sorry I’m late,” he said, pulling out the lone empty chair at their table.
“No worries. We started a tab in your name.” Sean leaned back in his seat and lifted his bottle in a toast of thanks. He was six three, a financial genius and one the biggest clowns Tyler knew.
Beck scooted over to give Tyler more room. “Sean is taking his engagement celebration very seriously.”
“Hey, I wanted to ask her years ago, but this one made me wait until after law school. Believe me, I deserve a lot more than a round of drinks for suffering with her through that.” He pressed a kiss to the top of April’s head. “No offense, Jelly Bean.”
April scoured Sean with a glare. “I’ve told you repeatedly not to call me that.” She was a force of nature in a tiny five-foot-two package. Hard and soft. Cold and hot. And you never knew which side would appear at any given moment.
Sean wrapped his arm around her, tucked her close and kissed the daylights out of her while she struggled beneath him. Tyler ducked his chin and snickered. They were a true case of opposites’ attract.
April came out of the kiss flustered, red and laughing. “Stop, you know I hate PDA,” she said, wiping her mouth. “Besides, now that I’m a lawyer, I need to behave respectfully.” She wasn’t an attorney just yet. She still had to pass the bar exam, which she wouldn’t take for a few more months.
“Sue me, then, because I have no intention of behaving respectfully tonight.” With that, Sean lifted her from the chair in a cradle hold and spun off toward the dance floor.
A small smile crept across Journey’s face as she watched her normally straight-laced friend hollering protest. “He’s so good for her. I still cannot believe they’re getting married.”
“And on that note, I’m going to the bar.” Beck stood and stretched. “Y’all need anything?”
“I’ll come in a sec.”
Beck gave him a nod and disappeared. He’d been weird about the engagement, though Tyler had no idea why. “I think something is bothering him,” he said, turning his attention back to Journey.
“Me too. He’s hardly said a word all night.” She leaned over and planted a kiss. “Tell you what, you two boys go bond, and I’m going to go dance. April is never this much fun.” Her bright, mischievous smile lit up her face and it made Tyler nearly carry her off the way Sean had April.
Instead, he ran a finger down the side of her cheek. “Have a good time. I’ll come join you soon.”
“You better.” She sprung from her seat and dance-walked to join her friends, catching stares from all over the room. He shook his head and shrugged off the twinge of possessiveness. He’d learned long ago that if he engaged in words with every man who appreciated his girlfriend, he’d spend his entire life in a fight.
Tyler turned his focus to the bar and spotted Beck immediately. He’d sidled up to a leggy brunette who wore her wealth as easily as he did. Hip pressed against the counter, his friend whispered in her ear and smiled, sporting the Kinder dimples that were as distinguishable as the prominent square chin.
To the outside eye, Beck was swagger and confidence. Tyler knew better. Inside, he was a churning ball of insecurity, though Tyler did everything he could to balance the subtle competition that came when two guys shared the same life. He held back, let Beck be the alpha in their pack. He owed him no less. Beck had given him his entire existence.
Tyler stood slowly and worked his way to the bar. Beck had traded his attention from the girl to the TV screen. A bigger indication that something was off with him tonight.
Settling at his side, he followed his gaze to game. “You okay? You seem distracted.”
“Maybe a little.” Beck said, not turning. “I’ve got a tough fraud case I’m working and Dad’s riding me to get the findings to him.” Mr. Kinder owned a multi-million dollar equipment and machinery insurance company that had gone national in the last twenty years. It was a forgone conclusion that Beck would work for his dad. Tyler’s decision to do the same was by choice.
“Bill Blakely’s off shore spill?”
“Yep.” Beck took a swig of his beer. “He also told me you scored the Pierson account. Congrats.”
“Thanks.” It was the biggest account Tyler had ever signed.
“Nice commission. You
know what you’re going to do with the money?”
“There’s some land I’m looking at. Not far from you actually.”
Beck chuckled but didn’t say anything.
He could understand his friend’s amusement. Since Tyler had moved in with him at sixteen, their lives had taken parallel tracks. They shared the same friends, went to the same college, both worked for Beck’s dad doing the same job. Beck had even dated Journey years before Tyler asked her out.
“Do you ever regret it?” Ty asked, his stomach locking again. He’d never pressed Beck’s feelings on the subject. Never really wanted to.
He turned, finally giving Tyler his focus. “Regret what?”
“Your parents taking me in when we were kids.”
Beck paused, then grinned. “Nah. Though you were a moody SOB back then.” He knocked Tyler’s shoulder with his own. “But, truthfully, that’s why I wanted to know you. For two weeks you roamed the halls in our school, barely saying a word to anyone, even when a rumor went around that you’d transferred from an alternative school.”
Tyler hadn’t known about that rumor until after he’d fully immersed himself in their world. Though Beck was right, back then he didn’t give a crap about what anyone thought, especially a bunch of rich, preppy kids who assessed his worth with a quick once over.
Beck stood straighter, finally realizing that Tyler wasn’t smiling back. “Where’s this coming from?”
He felt the death certificate burning through his jeans. “Nowhere. Just doing a little soul searching.”
“Well stop. It’s the weekend, and you have a beautiful woman calling you from the dance floor.” Beck flattened his hand on Tyler’s back and pushed him forward. Before Tyler took his next step, the guy had found a new silky-haired brunette to talk to.
Walking toward Journey on the dance floor, Tyler felt the hole widen in his chest. A niggling sense that he was stepping off into a deep, dark hole.
He had no history. No legacy to aspire to. His mom was gone and the only connection he had to his Mitchell side was some smeared ink on a death certificate.